Ah, Horse racing. The Sport of Kings. The Competition of Sultans. The Dally of Czars. And what a dally tomorrow afternoon’s Belmont Stakes may be. Carlton “Big” Brown appears to be in line to make a little history, currently coming off as a 2-5 favorite to be the first Triple Crown winner since Steve Cauthen rode Affirmed into the hearts and minds of the nation in 1978. In this day of megamillionaire athletes spending their days getting their nuts with their corporate sponsors and what not, there is something so pure, so majestic, so serene and especially so you’ve got to be shitting onto me. OK, so Bigford Brownstone is a big of a corporate whore. Who isn’t these days? A progressive decision by Team Brown. In 5 years they are going to have this shit looking like nascar.
(A glimpse into the future)
Anyone who has followed horse racing at all in the past 5 years knows there are really only two possible outcomes for the large brown one come tomorrow afternoon. He is either going to a) restore much of the glitz and glamor to the sport, take the triple crown, and become the most sought after piece of cock on the planet or b) totally die right on the track. Its quite literally guts or glory for the Brown B.I.G. Sadly, its just how these things work.
Brownzo is practically a lock to keep the streak rolling, stay alive and attract an unhealthy type of admiration from middle age white women across the globe. If there is to be a spoiler in the bunch, Lord Denis of Cork (12-1 odds) or the Beast that is Owned in the Far East, Casino Drive (7-2) are the most likely candidates. There is some rumors that Casino may not even be running tomorrow, but that is likely some bush-league psych out shit. It has little chance of throwing BB’s game off due to the fact that he is a goddamn horse and therefore immune to such shenanigans.
The only knock I can see against Brownie from his date with destiny is the fact that he is perhaps the most lazily named horse ever to be in serious contention for the Triple Crown. If my parents had followed the Big Brown school of thought on naming your Belmont preview author would be Skinny White. Sadly, I will never be cool enough to have a name like Skinny White. I lack the proper pool-hustling or blues guitar skills that are the connotations of that name.
For one last whetting of your collective beast racing appetites, the laziness of naming a big brown horse Big Brown given context in a brief lazy-name-Triple-Crown-contenders retrospective:
Horse: Secretariat
Result: 1973 Triple Crown Winner
Reason Why Name Was Lazy: Before being discovered, the horse that America came to know and love as Secretariat was working as an actual secretary under birth name Eliza Horsington. And thats, the rest of the story. Good day.
Horse: Real Quiet
Result: Missed Triple Crown after falling by nose in 1998 Belmont to Victory Gallop, the proverbial cock in Real Quiet’s ass the entire Triple Crown season.
Reason Why Name Was Lazy: Dude got no mouth
Horse: Funny Cide
Result: New Yorker gelding lost on home Belmont track, running too close to the rail and finishing third behind Empire Maker and Ten Most Wanted
Reason Why Name Was Lazy: Name derived from immaculate “Masters of Comedy” birthmark on s(c)ide which, ironically, features the faces of some of the least funny of the modern era
(**Update** Casino Drive really is going to sit this one out. I cry fix. FIX!)
(**Update 2** Writing the original post last night I was a touch surprised to see how many times we get all excited for the next triple crown winner and then watch them get whooped at Belmont. Your 2008 winner is the 38-1 underdog Da’ Tara, which I believe is Ebonics for The Tara.)
