Tom Singer = Dumb

The time has come for me to do my best (see: horrible) impersonation of the goodly folks at FireJoeMorgan and ridicule a professional journalist who decided to say dumb things about baseball, or, in this case, re-say things about a good baseball player in what must be the dumbest way possible.

When I checked my MLB News RSS feed today there was an article with a title that I simply couldn’t ignore

Ramirez truly a Manny-splendored thing

…because I puked in my mouth a little when I read it.

Thinking there was no way in hell the contents of the article could possibly live up to the standards set by the title, I made the worst possible decision and actually read it.

The opening paragraph sets the tone for the rest of the “story” and almost makes the title look good by comparison.

He is amusing and amazing. His career has occasionally been hysterical, and it will soon become historical. For 16 years, we’ve alternately been punked and wowed — but never bored — by Manny Ramirez, who seems to go through life marching to the toot of his own kazoo.

Here are some words I would use to describe that tone: wrong, horrible, bad. The phrase “…marching to the toot of his own kazoo” makes me cry. (note to self: find new word to use in place of “phrase” when group of words ≠ writing)

For seeming to exist in his own world, Ramirez has often been called a “hitting savant,” a Rainman who showers fields with base hits.

If I need to explain how that sentence does grave injustice to the craft of writing you should get your leisure reading fix elsewhere. OK, fine.

Really? Comparing Manny Ramirez to Raymond from the motion picture Rain Man by calling him a Rainman, and then saying he showers fields with base hits? Really, Tom Singer? Is that what you intentionally wrote in your article? Really.

It is as if Mr. Singer could read my mind and decided to answer that question by saying this:

He is the kind of spirit who years ago would have felt at home dancing on a Woodstock lawn.

Manny is a power child of the ’00s.

I guess he really does intentionally go out of his way to make bad analogies. At least he does a good job of simultaneously incorporating bad puns just in case there remained any questions about his writing ability. One point to Tom for leaving no room for equivocation in re: his talent for stringing words together.

Also, have we, as a society, collectively decided how to pronounce/talk about the first decade of this century? If I was reading that last sentence aloud, would I say, “Manny is a power child of the [oughts]” ? Well, that is a true hypothetical, because if I was reading that sentence out loud the only thing coming out of mouth by the end would be projectile vomit. As a matter of fact, I attempted to read this article out loud earlier, hoping that the words would sound better in the air than they did in my head. I videotaped it for posterity, and now I share it with you:

Interestingly, if you happened to be watching Tom as he was writing this piece for MLB.com you would find the way he goes about putting words on paper is eerily similar to how I react to his writing.

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