Monthly Archives: May 2008

The Curse Is Broken!

There is a legend around these parts that when Torii Hunter was told the Twins had no interest in paying him $18 million per until he was 37, he put a hex on them. Said Torii, as the tale goes, “Ye shall be completely inept on Thursdays, until such a time when thou encounters those who possess divine prowess to suck.” Well folks, we found that divine suckiness. The Twins are no longer 0 for Thursday following Kev Slowey’s domination of the shit vortex that is the Kansas City “These go to 11” Royals. Twins look to keep it rolling with a 4 game Dome series against the Yanks. The word on the street is that Joba the Fuck Lion himself may finally be getting his first shot at beginning a game, so stay tuned.


Rock The Vote

Sorry Royals, I shouldn’t kick you while you’re down. Imagine Bud Selig if that was the AL All-Star squad this year though. He most certainly would shit.

Let it be known that I am a sucker for voting for the all-star game. Not so much a sucker for watching the game, but I tend to vote early and often for the all-stars. My passion is spawned by the fact that I tend to believe most of the people who vote for participants of these contests vote from either a) homerism b) nationalism (see Ming, Yao) or c) nostalgia. I believe the all-star game should be about honoring those who have shown the most dominance thus far during the season, and thus I proudly present to you the first installment of BV’s 2008 All-Star Ballot


1B J. Morneau MIN/ L. Berkman HOU

2B I. Kinsler TEX/ C. Utley PHI

SS M. Young TEX/ H. Ramirez FLA

3B M. Cabrera DET/ C. Jones ATL

C J. Mauer MIN/ B. McCann ATL

OF J. Hamilton TEX/ N. McLouth PIT

OF BJ Upton TB/ M. Holliday COL

OF C. Quentin CWS*/ P. Burrell PHI

DH D. Ortiz BOS

*= write in

Most Screwed: D Uggla FLA 2b, K Youkilis BOS 1b, M Ordonez DET OF, J Bay PIT OF

I’m not really cool with having 3 Rangers on my ballot right now but no other AL SS is close to Young except maybe Jeter. Too bad Tejada isn’t still in the AL. Before you call Morneau at 1b a homer pick, just know he is leading AL first basemen in RBIs and is right on Lyle Overbay’s ass for OBP. Miggy at 3rd feels dirty, but with ARod dinged up and off to a slow start, it was him or Adrian Beltre thus far.

The Winds Of Shit Are In The Air

Those poor goddamm Royals. One pitch away from snapping a 9 game losing streak, Craig Monroe delivered a kick to the collective testes of the Royals when he drove Joel Peralta’s 3-2 fastball into the left field seats. Peralta also served one up to Morneau in the 10th and the Twins have suddenly won 5 of 6. Some highlights from the Royals’ locker room after the game:

“We’ve got too many babies here” – Jose Guillen

“Now I know why this organization has been losing for a while” – Guillen

“Oh my god, oh my god” – Peralta

Kansas City likely settled into their permanent home for the remainder of the season, all alone in last place following Detroit’s win over the Angels.

On the Twins side, these guys continue to hang around the division lead (2 gb) despite some horrendous offensive numbers. Mauer and Morneau have been great, naturally, but Cuddyer (.237/.304/.319), Young (.262/.318/.333) and Lamb (.238/.273/.320) have been borderline gawdawful. If one assumes that this terrible trio can get out of the Everett Zone at the plate and get back to their career averages, then it appears the Twins can compete into the fall. If they don’t and the pitching starts to falter I might have to start writing about the election come August.

Rock Me, Sexy Sidney

There was much ado last year about the Twins implementing the unconventional “3-Headed Suck Monster” theory into their starting rotation starring Sir Sidney, Ramon Ortiz and Carlos Silva. It did not go as terribly as many assumed it would, especially for Mr. Silva ($48 million/4 years courtesy of the M’s). However, it still seemed like a safe bet that Ponson and Ortiz were destined to hit the long dusty trail to the Far East. Not so fast. Sid looked like a fat Gavin Floyd tonight, tossing his first complete game since April 24, 2005 while holding the Twins to 1 run on 9 hits with 5 strikeouts. He also produced this headline that could fuck with even the surliest of baseball fan. Alexi Casilla, now starting at 2b because Gardy is pissed off at Brendan Harris’ D, dropped a toss from Adam Everett in the 6th that should have started a double play but instead opened the door for 7 Rangers runs. That finished the Twins off for the night. Wherever he may be, I’m sure Luis Rivas is just loving this.

(And yeah, Archuleta got robbed tonight. This is why democracy doesn’t work.)

The Day That Was

Well folks, it looks like David Archuleta is going to be your 2008 American Idol World Champion. Both contestants did a marvelous job this evening looking like they could burst into tears at the drop of a hat while they performed, but in the end the other David just seemed a bit overmatched on all of his numbers. Simon has already called it “a knockout” for Archuleta but i guess we will have to wait and see if the fans agree. This doesn’t feel right. Oops, wrong blog. Oh well.

In other news tonight the Twins ran the Rangers out of the Dome by the 4th inning. Perkins was solid, Gardy looks like he may be following up on his threat to put Harris’ ass on the pine for his shitty defense and the Twins showed they are the only team in the league that can have an 11 run offense-a-plosion without hitting a ball over the fence. This all sets the Twins up for one of my personally most anticipated games of the season, and that is THE RETURN OF SIR SIDNEY “I EAT WHAT I WANT” PONSON. Thats right boys and girls, Sid takes the hill in the dome tomorrow night for the Rangers, and he is actually rocking a 3.52 era and a 1.47 whip. I honestly thought we had seen the last of Sid last season, but the dude is resilient or something. Should be good TV.

Hmmm, what am I missing. Celts beat Pistons in Boston of course. Something else……

Oh Bease Nuts!

Chicago and their 1.7% chance of landing the #1 are going to be adding something sexy to their lineup. In retrospect Chicago makes a lot of sense with the 1 because you look at their roster and it is hard to fathom why they suck so hard. DRose at the helm should make them legit in the East next fall, though the early word is they like Beastley. TWolves of course land in the Brook Lopez zone.

Interesting side not on the draft, Chad Ford of commented in his post-draft lottery piece that the NBAers in attendance tonight (DWade, Durant, Gayster) were “absolutely mesmerized” by the presence of Shawn “Jay to the Z” Carter. He believes that Jigger’s involvement with the Nets may seduce Lebron into moving to Jersey when his contract comes up in 2 years. If I’m Cavs owner Dan Gilbert I’m introducing James to Drew Carey tomorrow.

(Ed. So I watched American Idol tonight to get over the heartbreak that was pick #3, big deal. Hearing later tonight that Beasley is drawing Derrick Coleman comparisons has me feeling much better about the whole situation. But seriously you guys, Archuleta has got this thing wrapped up.)

The Fate of the Franchise

When Fred Hoiberg is sharing a table with Jay Z, 9 times out of a 10 a NBA draft lottery is going down. Tonight the Minnesota TWolves will find out just how long their road to rebuilding is going to be. At the top of the board sits Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley, the Durant & Oden of ’08. A few spots back lurks Brook Lopez. (blaaaach) The early talk is that the fix is in for Knicks to pull the Ewing Switcharoo and resurrect their currently sorry-ass franchise following the Isiah administration. As much as Stern would like to see a winner in New York again, these boys have consistently embarrassed themselves and the league the past few seasons. Plus there is no way he pulls some commish magic to put either of these youngsters on a squad with Curry, Randolph and Starbury. Here are the other top mathematical contenders for the top pick and the reasons why they will or won’t be granted a Rose or Bease.

Miami Heat (46% chance of top 2 pick) Miami is getting one of these kids for sure. I see Rose in Miami because the idea of DRose and DWade in the same backcourt gives David Stern a chubby. Hell, it kind of gives me a chubby. The D brothers with Marion plus all the vets that will sign for pesos to get on that train means one more solid team in the East to play with the Celts, Pistons and LeBron. Adjusted Likelihood 80%

Seattle/ OK City (39%) This has been a pretty ugly divorce between the NBA and Seattle and the last thing you want to do when you are going through something like that is throw another kid into the mix. The idea of Rose/Durant or Beasley/Durant will be tempting for Mr. Stern, but as long as the ink isn’t dry on the settlement papers I just don’t see it. 10%

Minnesota (28%) There is no great reason for the NBA to put one of its rising superstars in the Minneapolis, except for the fact that they owe us one. Going back to just 13 months ago, the Wolves were trying to find a suitor for Garnett but were insisting that they wouldn’t make a deal just to make a deal, they wanted to make the right deal. The draft comes and goes and suddenly we are sending KG to play with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen in exchange for Al Jefferson, a pick and spare parts. (With the possible exception of Telfair. I’ll go TBD on that one.) The league suddenly has one of its storied franchises with a dynamo team in the East. Good for the league, not so good for Minnesota. I see some compensation showing up tonight. 50%

Memphis (28%) See: Timberwolves, Minnesota. Greg Popovich, on the Pau Gasol deal, “What they did in Memphis is beyond comprehension. There should be a trade committee that can scratch all trades that make no sense.” Memphis made a much more asinine deal than the Wolves and in return perhaps they are to be rewarded tonight. There is also the Rose Stays in Memphis storyline, but you can only run so far on that when the city is Memphis and the subject is basketball. These guys seem like a good place to hide OJ Mayo too. 45%

Also in the Hunt:

Los Angeles JV (16%) Now that the Lakers are back on top really no need for the Clippers not to return to their role of perennial fuck ups but hilarious step brothers 5%
New York (16%) Randolph, Curry, Marbury, Isiah aftermath. Ewing magic doesn’t strike twice they say 7%
New Jersey (2.4%) They are bringing admitted hustler Jay Z to represent them tonight so anything is possible. 3%
(2 NBA posts in a row is not cool. I apologize)

Where Bruce Bowen Assaulting Kobe for the Next Two Weeks Happens

I am not one to frequently get excited about the going ons in the NBA, but the possibility that the above image could be recreated in a conference championship scenario was enticing to say the least. Of course it was not meant to be. NOOCH will have to wait one more year to go after that professional sports title that will finally rid the Gulf Coast of all memories of Katrina. (Thanks for nothing Saints) While it appears we are on our way to an epic Lakers-Celts title bout, it is far too close to Spurs-Pistons 2 for anyone to get too excited. Look for Stern to implement a 3rd place series if that scenario plays out.