Category Archives: beavemcqueen

Quick Non-sports Story

Did our old buddy Dieleman go on a shooting spree in Finland today?

And just a quick recap, shootings = not funny, shooters looking like Dieleman = funny

(Ed. That is no photoshop, that is the guy)

Up From The Ashes, Boofheads

new roommate!

new roommate!

What’s up dong-mongers? JK, JK. I missed you guys. As you may haveĀ  noticed, there has not been a whole lot of activity around these parts for the last few months. I think it is time for a little getboofed version of “How I Spent My Summer Vacation.” I would say my lack of posting motivation was a 4-pronged attack.

A quick dissection of those prongs:

1) Brett Favre. The sports story of the summer (sans Phelps) was about the most boring thing that has happened to organized team sport since the Fort Wayne Pistons beat the Minneapolis Lakers 19-18. Shitpussies, I hate Brett Favre. The good news is his signing looks to be about as irrelevant as we possibly could have hoped it would be, and the Jets should keep on sucking. Add the Tom Brady miracle and the Dolphins still being the Dolphins, and the path is clear for Buffalo and America’s soon-to-be-sweetheart, Mershawn Lynch.

2) Sioux Falls. Up until a week ago, my homestead was Sioux Falls, SD. The name Sioux Falls is actually a mistranslation of a Native phrase, with a more correct translation coming out to “Two douchewads for every chode.” My abhorrence for Sioux Falls was also a product of my job there, which involved credit cards, telephones and guys in a “special jeans project.” By the end of my run there I wasn’t finding jokes in anything. I was a bitter, pessimistic young man. Alas, I have retreated back to the safe haven of Minnesota, about half an hour from Target Field, where the the boofage shall flourish.

fack ya sioux falls

fack ya sioux falls

It wasn’t all shit and douches. There are some good people out in KELOland too, and you all know I love you. Take no offense, and thanks for your support of getboofed.

3) Politics and Shit. Beave McQueen would like to quick take this moment and announce that I am endorsing the Junior Senator from Illionois for President of the United States.

Oh yeah. That is the good stuff right there. In an effort to be fair and balanced, here is an artistic depiction of John McCain too.

And that, my friends, is why there has been a lack of posts here. My general election fever has now even surpassed my Olympic fever, which ironically enough was a bloggable topic. If there is anything I am sure Mr. Boof does not stand for, it would be long dissertations on the issues of our times. The one idea that may make it through the de-politicization is a Sarah Palin comic strip. If that is something you the commenters might be willing to tolerate, let me know. I promise it will be at least a little funny.

What’s that? Olympic fever? Bowling? Sacramone?!?!?! Perspiration?

Boo-Yah!

4) Laziness\Lack of Faith in Writing Skills and Ability to Think of Good Words and Funny Jokes and Pictures or Videos. AKA etc. I just haven’t felt very funny these last few months. I had no motivation, inspiration, anything. Dave Davidson, I feel like I owe you the largest apology. I wanted to post for you, I just could not perform when it came time to, uh, perform. But now, well, I feel a lot like Bania.

Welcome back, my beautiful children. Real sports and real posts coming soon. Maybe even Sarah Palin the Animated Series. I will be hitting up Twins-ChiSox: The Legend of Delmon’s Gold, so keep hitting that refresh button throughout the week. It feels good to be back.

BV Works The Holidays, Euro Ladies Tournament ’08 Group C

USA! USA! USA! King George is a tyrant! Let’s blow some shit up! Let me hear a Marv Albert inflected “yes!”

Now to the business at hand, starting with yesterday’s business of Carlo’s Group B selections. We had getboof’s first moral dilemma concerning the whole business of Carlo and the Austrian youth. In my eyes the Austrians clearly outclassed the Croatians. Mr. Rossi admits so much. Even after stating that he was glad eurogirls do not post the age of the lovelies they photograph (I let my grandpa write the first half of this sentence) he disqualifies the Swiss Austrians based on the assumption that they are underage, citing his lack of desire to go on record with his support of ephebophilia. This in turn puts Mr. Rossi on the record fully implying that he does indeed love the youngsters. Therefore, in conclusion, “Shenanigans!”

It’s my turn to doink this up. Here is your group of death.

France

Yes, I am intentionally starting with the girl who is likely underage. And yes, the French are still very much in the running for the group. This girl on the right looks so much better with her mouth closed, but unfortunately no one has ever told her that.

Romania

Italy

And the ladies my forefathers didn’t mind sailing away from,

The Netherlands

And after much deliberation, here is your table:

Italy

Romania

Netherlands

France

I’m playing the Pocahontas role here, spurning my own kind for the exotic, mysterious strangers, with Romania as my sexy Capt. John Smith. A very tightly contested group and once again there are no losers when euro girls are up. Ace has Group D coming soon.

Happy Canada Day There, Buddy

In honor of the birth date of our dear friends from the North (and keeping the tradition alive of being at least a day behind relevance) I would like to present all Canadians with this special Canada Day gift. It is the best kind of gift, homemade and from the heart. BV is proud to present The Mural of Canadian Excellence in the Field of Athletics.

From the Great One to a Masters champion, from the Hitman to Hargreaves, from league MVPs to all curlers, and of course Pierre “The Dunk Shot Machine” St Moosechard, the Great White North has given us many special competitors on all the fields of play. So once again, happy birthday Canada. We are all very proud of you.

You don’t have to be even a little bit Canadian to get boosebumps from that.

Red Hips of Spain

I promised at least 1 hot girl this weekend and figured might as well throw something up for the ladies too. Not to put him on the spot here, but I imagine Carlo Rossi will have an informed Euro recap that will arrive shortly. From what I could tell, Fernando Torres was dominant and the Germans could have used Ballack at 100%. On the euro2008girls.com front, not as strong of showing from the Spanish women, although you certianly can’t argue with the above pictured mamacita, who is muy caliente fo sho. I am hoping we can get a getboofed roundtable discussion up sometime this week to debate and eventually crown a winner of the euro08girls title.

Stray observation from the match. If (when) they ever make a Jens Lehmann biopic, there is no way he isn’t played by John C. Reilly. “This fall, John C. Reilly is The Curly Haired Keep, rated PG-13.”

The “I Just Couldn’t Help Myself” Will Leitch Goodbye

If there is anything this old internet is more chock full of than scandalous Miley Cyrus photos, it would currently be tributes and farewells to now former Deadspin editor William Leitch. If there is one thing you all should know about your pal BV, it is that I am never afraid to hitch a ride on the trend train, almost always at least 2 days too late.

Ultimately, I want to pay my respects to Mr. Leitch here because I don’t think there is a getboofed without him. My first experience with a sports blog, or any blog for that matter, was when Carlo had me check out Deadspin about 2 years ago. It has been my first stop on the web since. Deadspin than led me on over to FJM, and that alone makes me in debt to Will.

It was also borrowing Carlo’s copy of Life as a Loser that got me excited and motivated enough to actually want to get this site rolling. Reading young Leitch’s memoirs, his embarassments and failures were all too reminiscent of my own embarrassments and failures. It was only natural to try completely bite his style therefore, in hopes of someday possibly being able to at least marginally emulate his successes too.

What Will and crew have accomplished with Deadspin, putting the sports back in the hands of Joe A. Guy and making it the escape it was meant to be, I believe is the Magna Carta of sports journalism. And to that, I salute you good sir. You keep happy dancing, guy, happy dancing all the way to the top.

I would like to apologize for the literary fellating that just went down.

Minnesota’s Next Top White Guy: Moms Choose ’08

When Kevin McHale moved Wally Szczerbiak to Boston for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount in 2006 he broke the hearts of all of our moms. For the first time since 1994, when the Wolves added Tom Gugliotta, Minnesota moms didn’t have someone out there to root for. Sure, a lot of moms did and still do love Kevin Garnett. The man is hard not to love. Yet Minnesota moms had grown accustom to having a semi-goofy white guy with nice hair and a barbed wire tattoo to cheer for. Apparently this is one mistake that McHale had vowed to rectify.

About the time that I had decided I may actually watch a few more games this year, enticed by the offensive possibilities of a Telfair-Mayo-Jefferson lineup, McHale moved Mayo to Memphis for two prime contenders for the Mom’s Choice Award, Kev Love and Mike Miller.

Quick draft rant. Many said that Minnesota was a bad fit for Mayo, but when you are as a bad as the Timberwolves don’t you need to hold onto the guy with assloads of upside? Also, Mario Chalmers slides to you in the 2nd, so you pick him and trade him for future 2nd round picks? Plus you pass on DeAndre Jordan? You could have walked away from this draft with Jordan, Chalmers and Mayo. How does the guy who traded Brandon Roy for Randy Foye and Sam Cassell and a 1st round pick for Marko Jaric get to keep making decisions about who plays for a basketball team?

But enough about the quality of basketball that will be played in Target Center next fall, because we all already know we won’t be watching, let’s get back to the Mom’s Choice. Love is the definite early front runner to be mothers’ favorite. He is a big old beefcake and is also personable. He works hard and hustles, which is always something that moms appreciate around these parts. He can also hit trick shots with ease and humility, which moms probably also find sexy.

(Notice a mom is featured prominently appreciating Mr Love)

Its good to know if the NBA thing doesn’t work out for him he can be a Globetrotter or a guy who goes around to high schools winning pizzas and gift certificates at half time. Kev doesn’t have the looks of a Wally, or the hair gel, which leaves the door open for Miller. Miller looks like the guy who tried to feel up your girl at the American Legion and then bummed your last cigarette, but the dude can shoot the lights out. He will almost certainly be the Wolves second scoring option next season and, as much as moms will try to root for the friendly young cake of beef, girls and even moms love results. He is also a philanthropist who used to practice in the Corn Palace, and what mom doesn’t appreciate the small town kid who made it big but never forgot his roots? Miller also possesses tattoos like the previous title holders, but ultimately they may just add to his all-around greasiness that will move moms into the Love camp.

In other Kevin McHale news, I heard last night that a local medical double threat Dr. Michael “Hermatology/Oncology” McHale is actually the brother of our esteemed GM. Word on the street is (***Libel Alert***) Dr. McHale is frequently close to making a great diagnosis, but changes his minds and ends up making a completely shitty one instead.

(I want everyone to make sure they check out the kid in the far right of that picture who has been tied down to his rather large mother’s side. No words could possibly express the despair he is feeling there as appropriately as the look on his face.)