Minnesota’s Next Top White Guy: Moms Choose ’08

When Kevin McHale moved Wally Szczerbiak to Boston for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount in 2006 he broke the hearts of all of our moms. For the first time since 1994, when the Wolves added Tom Gugliotta, Minnesota moms didn’t have someone out there to root for. Sure, a lot of moms did and still do love Kevin Garnett. The man is hard not to love. Yet Minnesota moms had grown accustom to having a semi-goofy white guy with nice hair and a barbed wire tattoo to cheer for. Apparently this is one mistake that McHale had vowed to rectify.

About the time that I had decided I may actually watch a few more games this year, enticed by the offensive possibilities of a Telfair-Mayo-Jefferson lineup, McHale moved Mayo to Memphis for two prime contenders for the Mom’s Choice Award, Kev Love and Mike Miller.

Quick draft rant. Many said that Minnesota was a bad fit for Mayo, but when you are as a bad as the Timberwolves don’t you need to hold onto the guy with assloads of upside? Also, Mario Chalmers slides to you in the 2nd, so you pick him and trade him for future 2nd round picks? Plus you pass on DeAndre Jordan? You could have walked away from this draft with Jordan, Chalmers and Mayo. How does the guy who traded Brandon Roy for Randy Foye and Sam Cassell and a 1st round pick for Marko Jaric get to keep making decisions about who plays for a basketball team?

But enough about the quality of basketball that will be played in Target Center next fall, because we all already know we won’t be watching, let’s get back to the Mom’s Choice. Love is the definite early front runner to be mothers’ favorite. He is a big old beefcake and is also personable. He works hard and hustles, which is always something that moms appreciate around these parts. He can also hit trick shots with ease and humility, which moms probably also find sexy.

(Notice a mom is featured prominently appreciating Mr Love)

Its good to know if the NBA thing doesn’t work out for him he can be a Globetrotter or a guy who goes around to high schools winning pizzas and gift certificates at half time. Kev doesn’t have the looks of a Wally, or the hair gel, which leaves the door open for Miller. Miller looks like the guy who tried to feel up your girl at the American Legion and then bummed your last cigarette, but the dude can shoot the lights out. He will almost certainly be the Wolves second scoring option next season and, as much as moms will try to root for the friendly young cake of beef, girls and even moms love results. He is also a philanthropist who used to practice in the Corn Palace, and what mom doesn’t appreciate the small town kid who made it big but never forgot his roots? Miller also possesses tattoos like the previous title holders, but ultimately they may just add to his all-around greasiness that will move moms into the Love camp.

In other Kevin McHale news, I heard last night that a local medical double threat Dr. Michael “Hermatology/Oncology” McHale is actually the brother of our esteemed GM. Word on the street is (***Libel Alert***) Dr. McHale is frequently close to making a great diagnosis, but changes his minds and ends up making a completely shitty one instead.

(I want everyone to make sure they check out the kid in the far right of that picture who has been tied down to his rather large mother’s side. No words could possibly express the despair he is feeling there as appropriately as the look on his face.)

Tofhers’ seven and sevens for the win

Until bv mentioned it a few posts ago, I had totally forgotten that at any point, Starbury was anything besides, well, Starbury.  It’s difficult to imagine such an era in this turbulent year of our Lord 2008, isn’t it?  I mean, just try to imagine an era involving Stephon Marbury making consecutive playoff appearances.  The existential questions faced on a daily basis must have been much easier to answer with the knowledge that Starbury would still be playing basketball in May instead of fucking Knickerbocker interns in backseats.  His departure from a relatively stable twin cities existence has caused a ripple in the space/time continuum that will perplex both physicists and philosophers for the next decade.  SI’s vault contributes to the enigma that doesn’t give a fuck about these white season ticket holders.

Better Late Than Never NBA Finals Preview

Fucking tornadoes. I finally get pumped for a NBA Finals in the post-Jordan era and instead I got douchebags and radar. Thats life I guess, at least its better than watching the Spurs.

There was a time when the NBA was my league of choice. The Wolves were rocking a young sexy lineup starring Garnett, Stephon Marbury and everyone’s mom’s favorite player Tom Gugliotta. These guys could not close out a playoff series but that didn’t keep everyone from loving the Wolves and thinking about someday. Someday never came. Starbury got cold, Googs walked to make way for KG to take over the squad, Kevin McHale got busted making an illegal pact with Joe Smith(!!! Even writing this now I can’t believe McHale still has a job. Joe Smith? Illegal Contract? Really? What a blumpkin) and the Spree/Cassell experiment came up short then turned putrid. By that time I had long found a more compassionate and supportive lover in the Twins.

Which brings me to tonight. This really is an epic match-up, the historical Boston/LA rivalry is pretty cool I suppose, but these finals are going to rock butt for the squads and ballers that will be taking the floor. You have your Kobe, probably the best player the league has seen since MJ hung up the 45, showing he can be the man. You have Gasol, free from Memphis, teaming up with Odom to create one of the best passing frontcourts in recent memory. You have Sasha Vujacic on the verge on being able to pull some of the most epic tail in the land.

Its hard not to know the stories on the other side. Pierce, Jesus Shuttleworth, KG. I think everyone in the nation can agree that the scene that would play out if KG gets to hoist that trophy is going to be one of the most memorable, maybe even touching moments in this decade of sport. Paul Pierce is also going to have a shot at establishing himself as one of the best of his time. He is certainly on his way to getting that done following his Willis Reed Jr. act in the 3rd quarter. Lets not forget, 7 years ago this guy got stabbed 11 times in the face and chest regions, so Pierce = One Tough Son of B. The C’s also play some world class team D, if you’re into that.

So yeah, I am down. Lets do this. I’ll watch it. It should be well played, intense, and I hope I get to cry a bit with KG at the end of this.

Person Tom Gugliotta

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The Day That Was

Well folks, it looks like David Archuleta is going to be your 2008 American Idol World Champion. Both contestants did a marvelous job this evening looking like they could burst into tears at the drop of a hat while they performed, but in the end the other David just seemed a bit overmatched on all of his numbers. Simon has already called it “a knockout” for Archuleta but i guess we will have to wait and see if the fans agree. This doesn’t feel right. Oops, wrong blog. Oh well.

In other news tonight the Twins ran the Rangers out of the Dome by the 4th inning. Perkins was solid, Gardy looks like he may be following up on his threat to put Harris’ ass on the pine for his shitty defense and the Twins showed they are the only team in the league that can have an 11 run offense-a-plosion without hitting a ball over the fence. This all sets the Twins up for one of my personally most anticipated games of the season, and that is THE RETURN OF SIR SIDNEY “I EAT WHAT I WANT” PONSON. Thats right boys and girls, Sid takes the hill in the dome tomorrow night for the Rangers, and he is actually rocking a 3.52 era and a 1.47 whip. I honestly thought we had seen the last of Sid last season, but the dude is resilient or something. Should be good TV.

Hmmm, what am I missing. Celts beat Pistons in Boston of course. Something else……

Oh Bease Nuts!

Chicago and their 1.7% chance of landing the #1 are going to be adding something sexy to their lineup. In retrospect Chicago makes a lot of sense with the 1 because you look at their roster and it is hard to fathom why they suck so hard. DRose at the helm should make them legit in the East next fall, though the early word is they like Beastley. TWolves of course land in the Brook Lopez zone.

Interesting side not on the draft, Chad Ford of espn.com commented in his post-draft lottery piece that the NBAers in attendance tonight (DWade, Durant, Gayster) were “absolutely mesmerized” by the presence of Shawn “Jay to the Z” Carter. He believes that Jigger’s involvement with the Nets may seduce Lebron into moving to Jersey when his contract comes up in 2 years. If I’m Cavs owner Dan Gilbert I’m introducing James to Drew Carey tomorrow.

(Ed. So I watched American Idol tonight to get over the heartbreak that was pick #3, big deal. Hearing later tonight that Beasley is drawing Derrick Coleman comparisons has me feeling much better about the whole situation. But seriously you guys, Archuleta has got this thing wrapped up.)

The Fate of the Franchise

When Fred Hoiberg is sharing a table with Jay Z, 9 times out of a 10 a NBA draft lottery is going down. Tonight the Minnesota TWolves will find out just how long their road to rebuilding is going to be. At the top of the board sits Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley, the Durant & Oden of ’08. A few spots back lurks Brook Lopez. (blaaaach) The early talk is that the fix is in for Knicks to pull the Ewing Switcharoo and resurrect their currently sorry-ass franchise following the Isiah administration. As much as Stern would like to see a winner in New York again, these boys have consistently embarrassed themselves and the league the past few seasons. Plus there is no way he pulls some commish magic to put either of these youngsters on a squad with Curry, Randolph and Starbury. Here are the other top mathematical contenders for the top pick and the reasons why they will or won’t be granted a Rose or Bease.

Miami Heat (46% chance of top 2 pick) Miami is getting one of these kids for sure. I see Rose in Miami because the idea of DRose and DWade in the same backcourt gives David Stern a chubby. Hell, it kind of gives me a chubby. The D brothers with Marion plus all the vets that will sign for pesos to get on that train means one more solid team in the East to play with the Celts, Pistons and LeBron. Adjusted Likelihood 80%

Seattle/ OK City (39%) This has been a pretty ugly divorce between the NBA and Seattle and the last thing you want to do when you are going through something like that is throw another kid into the mix. The idea of Rose/Durant or Beasley/Durant will be tempting for Mr. Stern, but as long as the ink isn’t dry on the settlement papers I just don’t see it. 10%

Minnesota (28%) There is no great reason for the NBA to put one of its rising superstars in the Minneapolis, except for the fact that they owe us one. Going back to just 13 months ago, the Wolves were trying to find a suitor for Garnett but were insisting that they wouldn’t make a deal just to make a deal, they wanted to make the right deal. The draft comes and goes and suddenly we are sending KG to play with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen in exchange for Al Jefferson, a pick and spare parts. (With the possible exception of Telfair. I’ll go TBD on that one.) The league suddenly has one of its storied franchises with a dynamo team in the East. Good for the league, not so good for Minnesota. I see some compensation showing up tonight. 50%

Memphis (28%) See: Timberwolves, Minnesota. Greg Popovich, on the Pau Gasol deal, “What they did in Memphis is beyond comprehension. There should be a trade committee that can scratch all trades that make no sense.” Memphis made a much more asinine deal than the Wolves and in return perhaps they are to be rewarded tonight. There is also the Rose Stays in Memphis storyline, but you can only run so far on that when the city is Memphis and the subject is basketball. These guys seem like a good place to hide OJ Mayo too. 45%

Also in the Hunt:

Los Angeles JV (16%) Now that the Lakers are back on top really no need for the Clippers not to return to their role of perennial fuck ups but hilarious step brothers 5%

New York (16%) Randolph, Curry, Marbury, Isiah aftermath. Ewing magic doesn’t strike twice they say 7%

New Jersey (2.4%) They are bringing admitted hustler Jay Z to represent them tonight so anything is possible. 3%

(2 NBA posts in a row is not cool. I apologize)

P

erson Michael Beasley

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Where Bruce Bowen Assaulting Kobe for the Next Two Weeks Happens

I am not one to frequently get excited about the going ons in the NBA, but the possibility that the above image could be recreated in a conference championship scenario was enticing to say the least. Of course it was not meant to be. NOOCH will have to wait one more year to go after that professional sports title that will finally rid the Gulf Coast of all memories of Katrina. (Thanks for nothing Saints) While it appears we are on our way to an epic Lakers-Celts title bout, it is far too close to Spurs-Pistons 2 for anyone to get too excited. Look for Stern to implement a 3rd place series if that scenario plays out.