Category Archives: Twins

Happy Puntober

Can Freddy Garcia become a Minnesota hero tomorrow?

Can Freddy Garcia become a Minnesota hero tomorrow?

What a week it has been, boofaphiles. The rebuilding project that is your 2008 Minnesota Twins is just a Detroit W away from the postseason. Joe Mauer has reclaimed his batting titile crown, Denard Span has made me look like an idiot for making fun of him this spring and Jose Mijares has (at least temporarily) replaced Pat Neshek as the bullpen man crush. But enough season wrap-up, we still have some games to play.

Roommate and I were in the building Thursday night for round 3 with the Sox. It turned out to be the greatest Twins game I have certainly ever attended, and perhaps the greatest I have ever seen. The 4th inning was really a nut pinch for everyone in the Dome. Within the confines of the smoker’s quarantine zone just out gate A, everyone looked either shell shocked or rat arsed. It was really a fantastic crowd that night though, and they got right back into the game in the home half of that inning. You all know what happened from there, and it was crazy and beautiful and euphoric and all those lovely things. I tried to write about it as soon as we got back, but even then, almost 2 hours later, all that came out was “Holy shit. Holy shit. That was awesome. Carlos Gomez. Holy shit. That guy can run the basebaths. Holy shit. WE ARE GOING TO THE MOTHER NAILING PLAYOFFS! DSpan is like the Barack Obama of baseball. Holy shit.” So instead of that being your recap I found this video instead.

Meanwhile, catching up with old friends, Johan was brilliant on 3 days rest Saturday, yet the stacked Mets are staying home once again this Puntober, downed 4-2 at the hands of the Marlins. I checked in with getboof’s Shea bureau chief Lacey for a first hand account of how the Metropolitans’ faithful were coping. “I’m at Shea now. Saddest thing ever,” she said. “I had bought a bunch of playoff tix but that doesn’t matter anymore.” No, Lacey, it most certainly does not.

In case you haven’t heard this story yet, after the game today the Mets had a ceremony to honor the memories of Shea Stadium and all the great players that have played there, or some bullshit like that. These poor sad-sack Mets fans stuck around for this dog and pony after watching their time inexplicably fail to qualify for post season play again. Ouch. If the Twins were eliminated today I don’t think I would have stuck around to hear what Marty Cordova thinks about the Metrodome.

Dudes, if you have any faith in Baseball Prospectus, you have to be feeling pretty good about how these next 2 days will play out. We have the advantage right now. Everyone make sure you have the champagne on ice before you leave your home this morning. Let us pop bottles this afternoon.

PS I stumbled across some Joe Mauer/Justin Morneau slashfiction. If you want it now it is here, otherwise I think I will FJM that beauty or something similar this week, you know, for the ladies. If you want to find more stories like this involving your favorite team or player, click here. Based on this database, Oakland A’s fans have the most fantasies about the team running train on each other in the clubhouse, with the Detroit Tigers coming in a distant second.



The dream is still alive my friends. No thanks, however, to the douche in the front row, 3rd base side who tried to snare a foul ball over Brendan Harris with 2 outs and runners on 2nd and 3rd. What an asshole. Now granted, there are some natural instincts involved here, but come on fans, be aware of the situation. If you are in the front row and your team is pitching you should never lean or reach forward to try grab a ball. I nearly had a pulmonary when this went down. This human paraquat almost ruined the season. That is why Twins fan with the hat who reached forward for the foul ball is your’s September Judas o’ the Month. If you are that motherflipper just email me at to claim your prize.

Carlos Gomez looked about as bad as he has looked all season at the plate last night, but lordy was that a nice grab in the 9th. He went a mile for that thing. He covers more ground out there than anyone else in the lead, and made me eat my words for suggesting to new roommate that he should have been lifted for Cuddyer in the bottom of the 8th.

Nick Blackburn makes me a Sweaty Chetty these days, but he held it down last night. He gave up that homer to Griffey, who still has the prettiest swing in the game, but otherwise kept runs from finding the plate. Gardy then turned it over to the pen in the in the 6th with Craig Breslow, Boof-o-rama, Jose Mijares and Joe Nathan each working an inning in that order. I don’t think anyone would have guessed that the biggest game of the season would be locked down by that trio rather than Guerrier, Reyes and Crain, but times have changed and these dudes were great. Mijares especially was fantastic getting some legends out. This kid has some filthy stuff and I hope Gardy keeps showing this level of confidence in him through the rest of the season.

Speaking of our patron saint, The Boofster, new roomie and I ran into a former lover of his. Former lover happens to have a few Twins connections, which seems to be the case with every attractive girl in this city. The funny thing is, and this is the tragedy of playing on a Joe Mauer team, these dudes hang out with pretty much every hot girl in this town, but after Puntober buys them a drink, they start thinking, “If Nick Punto thinks I’m cute, I bet his teammate Joe Mauer may feel the same way.” So anyhow, she is hanging out with Boof and she didn’t want to go into many details, but the basic gist of the story is our man Boof was looking to boof a blonde again, but couldn’t seal the deal. In conclusion, ladies of Minnesota, you killed Boof’s confidence. If we lose the division you are to blame.

New roommate and I didn’t make it downtown last night, so we hit up the local pub instead. After the 6th inning we were out for a cig break when we caught this awesome exchange

2 women in their 20s are out on the patio have a smoke. The early part of the conversation was not audible to anyone but the two of them.

Blonde Girl: All I am saying, Jennifer, is that there is a recession going on right now, so maybe you should watch your spending a little more.

Jennifer: (voice raised) I have a job! I worked my ass off and I got a promotion! I don’t give a shit about no recession, we don’t have no recession at my job! I’m making my money.

BG: (raises voice to match J) But I saw on the news and they said it was a recession. Don’t you watch the news? They said that we should…

J: (interrupting) I told you I am getting paid, I have money so there is no recession for me

It pretty much goes back and forth on those themes for a while, then

BG: (trying to sound intelligent) I don’t know, at this point I think we seriously need to consider voting.


I am hoping to eventually adapt that into a screenplay, with the working title Stupid Drunk Girls Want to Know: What is a Recession?

Kubel! Kubel! Kubel!


From Section 202 in the friendly confines that is the Hubert H. your pal Beave McQueen learned tonight to have faith again. The playoffs can happen to this team, fellas. I am pretty sure we are going to need a sweep of the bastardly ChiSox to make that happen, but that is definitely within the realm of possibilities.

The traffic/parking situation around the Dome was pretty horrendous tonight so new roomate and I didn’t arrive until the 2nd inning, just in time to watch Kube-dog blast one into the right field bleachers. Kubes would later nail a triple past the diving, aging Ken Griffey then another homer that was immediately followed by a Del-bomb. The HHH was going so batshit at this point one expected AJ Pierzynski was about to be flagged for false start.

Speaking of AJ, he is a very despised man in that dome. Now AJ is certainly a dick, but it doesn’t seem like his dickitude has ever been directed at the Twins. AJ was quite good when he did play for the Twins and was a major part of that 2002 contraction fighting team that got the Twins back to the playoffs. When Joe Mauer was ready for the bigs AJ beacme the major piece in that ridiculous Nathan/Liriano/Boof deal. These are the two reasons that I clap politley when AJ is announced at the plate, rather than join the chorus of boos. It is not like I am a big vagine who thinks all the players need encouragement, I just have no beef with AJ. There is a good possibility I am wrong on this so let me have it if I am, but I am not yet convinced being a general dick and playing for the White Sox makes Pierzynski qualified to be the Twins fan’s most hated player.

Back to the meat and taters, Scott Baker was great tonight. He got some help from his defense, particularly a lovely diving stop by Casilla, and made a fairly ridiculous catch himself. What was especially fun about Baker’s catch is that no one out in the 202 could really tell what the fletch had happened on that play until it got jumbotron’d. It was the classic bewilderment turned into quick enthusiasm.

This game was not won by small ball or piranhas or whatever the hell you want to call it. This game was won by getting on base and hitting the ball. Gomez sliding into first and beating out that bunt is great fun and all, but you have to be able to put it in the seats sometimes to sustain success.  How the Twins have scored as many runs as they have this year without hitting home runs, and just hitting for a ridiculously high average with runners in scoring position, is not going to work in the long run.

But frick the long run right now, we got 5 games left to make up that game and a half. A hopefully resuscitated Blackburn v. Buehrle tomorrow night, my main man Slowey v. Floyd on Thursday night. It feels like we are going to need a sweep. See you in general admission tomorrow night.

Good Grief

Over the course of a 162 game season you are naturally going to have some ups and downs, peaks and valley, strikes and gutters. While the blame for the performance of this past week is certainly not a Delmon problem, or even an offense probably, his minuscule contributions as a Twin thus far are a soft target. Reality is beginning to set in that this one time superfreak uberprospect has a shitty approach to hitting and fielding, which happen to make up a large portion of his vocation. I floated the idea to a guy at work that perhaps Delmon, less we forget only 22 years of age, could perhaps benefit from some seasoning in sunny Rochester. Upon arrival maybe Paul Molitor or some cagey vet can break this guy down and completely retool his offensive mentality, to robocop him if you will. Considering Bill Smith pulled the trigger on the Garza deal to build a Mauer-Morneau-Young heart of the lineup to impale opponents with fear for years to come, one would assume it would be better to get this kid’s flaws worked out as soon as possible, rather than watch him writhe in a pool of his own suck. If it did happen (which it won’t) you can be damn sure Delmon would be one very pissed off Rochester Red Wing.

Concerning the sweep at the hands of the now clear front-running Chicago White Sox, it is apparent that those boys can hit. Joe “Scrotty” Crede has been the best third basemen in the AL up to this point and, along with Carlos Quentin, has kept Ozzie’s lineup card from turning into this. If Konerko and Thome can pick it up and Floyd and Danks continue to provide quality starts we are all going to be looking up at these guys for the rest of the summer.

From the hometown point of view it appears to simply be a case of the numbers evening out and the most inopportune of times. The Twins have have hit only 40 home runs and own a team obp of .324, yet are 6th in the AL in runs scored thanks to a .303 avg and .373 obp when runners are in scoring position. The Twins have also been outscored 327-294 which is usually a clear sign you are not going to stay over .500. It is also a sign that the pitching needs to pick it up. Good news on that front, however, with Francisco Liriano looking better and stronger each start at AAA. We could be seeing good old #47 in Minneapolis within the month.

Something has to give during this Cleveland series. Will the Tribe’s anemic offense be the cure for presently shoddy Twins pitching, or vice versa? Did we destroy the feng shui of the staff when we boofed with Boof? Is there now a rift in the Boof-Time Continuum?

Get Boofed – Vol.2, Bullpen Boofin’

Nobody wants to hear that their favorite starting pitcher is getting moved to the bullpen, especially not when he is getting shoved out there by what appears to be one of the batboys.  Granted, this particular batboy has shown an ability to pitch baseballs really well, but there is something he can’t do – Boof.  When he takes the mound his outings will be completely devoid of Boofing.  Particular things in absentia in batboy’s starts? A goatee, greasiness, corpulence, delays on account of lasciviousness; if I keep going I might cry.

But lets turn this frown upside down. Boof isn’t leaving us, he’s not even getting sent down to the minors.  He is simply moving to the ‘pen.  There is now the possibility that we could see people get Boofed on a more regular basis.  Did that turn the frown upside down yet?  Reggie is certainly excited to watch people get Boofed 4 times a week.  It’s the McDonald’s approach to Boofing; the key is volume.  We’ll get less Boofage per Boofing, but we will Boof frequently and have unbridled vigorous Boofness in short bursts.  Anybody not wearing the same expression as Get Boofed fanatic Reggie after making that realization clearly has no pulse; either that or no unchaste interest in batboys, haven’t quite figured it out yet.

The Curse Is Broken!

There is a legend around these parts that when Torii Hunter was told the Twins had no interest in paying him $18 million per until he was 37, he put a hex on them. Said Torii, as the tale goes, “Ye shall be completely inept on Thursdays, until such a time when thou encounters those who possess divine prowess to suck.” Well folks, we found that divine suckiness. The Twins are no longer 0 for Thursday following Kev Slowey’s domination of the shit vortex that is the Kansas City “These go to 11” Royals. Twins look to keep it rolling with a 4 game Dome series against the Yanks. The word on the street is that Joba the Fuck Lion himself may finally be getting his first shot at beginning a game, so stay tuned.

The Winds Of Shit Are In The Air

Those poor goddamm Royals. One pitch away from snapping a 9 game losing streak, Craig Monroe delivered a kick to the collective testes of the Royals when he drove Joel Peralta’s 3-2 fastball into the left field seats. Peralta also served one up to Morneau in the 10th and the Twins have suddenly won 5 of 6. Some highlights from the Royals’ locker room after the game:

“We’ve got too many babies here” – Jose Guillen

“Now I know why this organization has been losing for a while” – Guillen

“Oh my god, oh my god” – Peralta

Kansas City likely settled into their permanent home for the remainder of the season, all alone in last place following Detroit’s win over the Angels.

On the Twins side, these guys continue to hang around the division lead (2 gb) despite some horrendous offensive numbers. Mauer and Morneau have been great, naturally, but Cuddyer (.237/.304/.319), Young (.262/.318/.333) and Lamb (.238/.273/.320) have been borderline gawdawful. If one assumes that this terrible trio can get out of the Everett Zone at the plate and get back to their career averages, then it appears the Twins can compete into the fall. If they don’t and the pitching starts to falter I might have to start writing about the election come August.