Bert Blyleven hearts farting and shitting.

I’m sure most of you are familiar with Bert Blyleven’s love of farting.  By extension, it should be no surprise that Blyleven enjoys the delightful act of shitting, as the kids are calling it.

But photographing his own shit?  This is a whole new level of awesome.

Mike watched as Bert ran around to the players to reveal the photo and saw the teammates howl with humor and disgust. Finally, after the Polaroid made its rounds with the teammates, Mike was able to view it… Pictured in the photo: a turd. A giant turd, in fact, made by one Bert Blyleven.

You should really read the entire article, it’s a gem.  And for the love of God, please, please get this man into the hall of fame.

Terribly Unreliable EURO2008 Update, v1

Some things I was right about in my terribly inadequate Euro “preview”:

• Six of the eight quarterfinalists.
• The Dutch winning their group — and their generally having a team that had the ability to do some damage.

Some things I was wrong about:

• Fabregas making this his tournament, since his manager refuses to start him. (Thought he did score the clinching goal in the Spain/Italy shootout.)
• Worrying about the French’s younger generation.  Manager Raymond Domenech is terrible.  I mean, I’m no tactician, but his starting selections across the board seemed akin to Van Basten benching the likes of Sneijder, VanderVaart, and Robben in favor of Davids, Cocu, and Kluivert.  For those of you who don’t know who the hell I’m talking about, the French basically trotted out the team that won the 2000 European championship.  Eight soccer years is a really, really long time.
• Christiano Ronaldo doing anything of note.  Well, I suppose he did have one of the harsher injuries of the tournament.  Yep.  Here it is.  I mean, how can you blame him for being so ineffective against Germany with that terrible injury to deal with?

Anyway, we’re down to four teams.  The Spain/Russia matchup should be a watchable, fast-paced affair.  Russia will likely try to defensively play Spain similar to the Italians, but the Russians will be sure to throw more men forward.  Also, the Russian’s lack of size should open things up some more for Spain’s offense.  If Aragones starts Cesc Fabregas on the bench again I am going to shit.

Turkey’s comebacks and last minute insanity have been one of the more improbable displays in all of sport in recent memory, but they can’t possibly compete with Germany as the Turks are going to missing a shit ton of players due to injury/suspension (six regulars, to be exact), can they?  I mean, Turkey might be forced to play their backup to the backup goalie in the field.

Anyway, my prediction is worth fuck all but if you’re wondering (you aren’t) I’m taking Germany over Russia in the final.  I’m typically hesitant to jump on bandwagons of teams like Russia at this point, but it’s hard for me to imagine Spain beating them for the second time in a couple weeks.  However, I would like to see Spain win it, though.  Fernando Torres is just so pretty.  Wait, what?

So yeah.  Just a few more matches until the Andrei Arshavin bidding war can begin.  Don’t worry, if Arshavin can’t be had by your team, Schweinsteiger, Podolski, and David Villa look to be on the move as well.

Anyway, most of the reason why I made another soccer post is so that I can post a picture of this unnamed Italian fan.  As much as I hate the Italian soccer team, wow, just, ok, I’m going now.

this singlehandedly validates the existence of the internet

Seriously. I don’t even know where to begin with this.

Then someone in a forum I frequent (shut the fuck up. you try having more of a life than that living in Iowa.) recently received this e-mail… let’s all pray that it’s real:

subject: chuggo writin u‏
From: Chuggo (chuggolug@gmail.com)
Sent: June 18, 2008 1:52:41 AM
To: Mr. Conductor (xxxxxx@xxxxx.com)

yo u sed the othr nite when u wuz spinnin trax dat u new sum ppl who likemy shit and tht dey haz sum questions 4 da chuggz.

let thm no my email adres cuz i has a computr now chuggolug@gmail.com.

also if u cn git me in tht place wher they iz talkin i wil smile again. i tryd 2 git in but dey sed sum1 needz 2 say yess to chuggolug.

.chuggz

Dontrelle Willis will once again ply his trade in Florida

I can’t really be try to be funny for this one.

Not to say I didn’t see it coming, or that it isn’t merited. Willis has been on a free fall since his spectacular 2005 season which saw him pitch 236 innings (as a 23 year old, with his parented leg-kicking windup – we could be looking at the source of the problem right there) with a 6.47 K/9 ratio and 3.09 Ks/BB and a mere 11 home runs allowed all season. The following seasons saw his strike out numbers remain constant, but his control deteriorated as he posted 1.93 and then 1.68 K/BB ratios. His home runs also rose to 21 and then 29 in 223 and 205 innings.  This season isn’t even worth mentioning as injuries have kept him off the field for most of it.  When he has pitched it’s been a disaster.

The dude is 26 still, so let’s hope he can get his shit back together. Few players have endeared themselves to the South Florida fan base like Willis did. Between his delivery, his sudden burst onto the scene in the midst of that magical 2003 season and subsequent playoff run, his ability at the plate (including a triple in the 2003 NLDS, one of my favorite baseball moments ever, as well as hitting at least one home run in each of his Florida seasons), to the way in which he just seemed to be having so much damn fun out there (pardon my cliche), he’s probably the most beloved Marlin ever. He displayed the same exuberance he did on the field any time he was in the stadium or had a camera point in his direction. He was one of those guys that wasn’t afraid to let it show that he really loved being a major league baseball player. I mean, he seemed to almost enjoy playing in Florida! Do you realize how rarely that happens?

He once got a DUI pulling over and peeing in the open on a main Miami freeway at 4 in the morning. That’s gotta be one of the best athlete arrest stories around. I’ll include the mugshot because the internet is a wonderful thing.

Oh yeah, and he called me “boss” once. Notice comments 106 and 108.

Anyway, here’s to hoping he gets his shit together and avoids becoming a 3 year/$29 million dollar version of Barry Zito.  I’ll root for him wherever he goes, though the Tigers aren’t moving him anywhere as long as he is under that contract.

Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, continue with the Sidney Ponson and Kansas City Royal jokes.

Why is he still in AA?

He hit two more home runs today, giving him 18 on the year in 235 AB.  He’s currently sporting a 298/411/617 line.  Can we at least get Matt LaPorta some AAA playing time?

Tofhers’ seven and sevens for the win

Until bv mentioned it a few posts ago, I had totally forgotten that at any point, Starbury was anything besides, well, Starbury.  It’s difficult to imagine such an era in this turbulent year of our Lord 2008, isn’t it?  I mean, just try to imagine an era involving Stephon Marbury making consecutive playoff appearances.  The existential questions faced on a daily basis must have been much easier to answer with the knowledge that Starbury would still be playing basketball in May instead of fucking Knickerbocker interns in backseats.  His departure from a relatively stable twin cities existence has caused a ripple in the space/time continuum that will perplex both physicists and philosophers for the next decade.  SI’s vault contributes to the enigma that doesn’t give a fuck about these white season ticket holders.

A Look At the EURO 2008 Groups

Tomorrow brings with it the sans Brazil version of the world cup.  Time is pressing, so this writeup won’t be as good as it should be, but I’ve never let that stop me before.  Without further delay, here is yet another uninformed American’s look at the groups and some predictions as well.

GROUP A
Czech Republic
Turkey
Switzerland
Portugal

This is Ronaldo’s group, unless his incredibly long season with Man U has him wore down.  Portugal and the aging Czechs to advance.

GROUP B
Poland
Austria
Croatia
Germany

Germany and Croatia look to be the strongest in this group of countries that were overrun by Germans in the 1930’s and 40’s.

GROUP C
Italy
Netherlands
Romania
France

In what looks to be the strongest group, my homerism forces me to pick the Orange.  They have a good set of forwards who, due to some more experience, should perform better than they did at the world cup, it’s a question of their midfield showing up and creating enough space for the strikers to work with.  Basically, the opposite of that they were doing during the world cup.  Holland has a team to go deep into the tournament, though.  The French, admittadly, are a complete enigma to me.  Most of the names from their prior international squads are over their peak, and I, frankly, am not familiar with their younger players.  Damn you, sportscenter.  They’re quite talented, but it remains to see if they can gel as a unit against the talent they’ll be facing.  Romania is a complete dark house with the talent to go a long ways, but I’m still going with the Italians star power. 

GROUP D
Spain
Russia
Greece
Sweeden

Another intriguing group, with Greece being the current cupholders and Spain being a popular pick to win the damn thing.  Sweeden seems to have a team built for advancing out of the group and losing their next game.  Sweeden and Spain to move on.  Cesc Fabregas might make this his tourney.

 

And since we’re talking international soccer, here is a little thing I like to call blatant homerism.

Not the spectacular goal at about 1:10 in this one:

Carlo Rossi Rocks the Vote

I’m going to be unoriginal and do my own all star ballot here.  I’m not going to look at bv’s while I do this, we’ll see how similar they are.

AL/NL

1B: Jason Giambi NYY / Lance Berkman HOU – This position is absolutely loaded in the NL; Pujols, Adrian Gonzalez, Connor Jackson, hell, even Joey Votto all deserve consideration.  Berkman is just having an unbelievable year.  Giambi narrowly receives my vote in the AL over Youkilis.  Giambi is quietly having a solid year, putting up the best rate numbers of AL first basemen.  However, he’s been missing a lot of playing time, already having 64 fewer at bats than Youkilis and 74 less than Morneau.  If he can stay on the field, he and his .940 OPS will remain on my ballot.

2B: Ian Kinsler TEX / Chase Utley PHI – God damn that Chase Utley.  It pains me so much to put a Phillie on this list, especially when Dan Uggla is having the season he is.  It can’t be denied though, he’s been having one of those years when everything falls into place.  It’s also been rumored that his tears cure cancer and that he’s singlehandedly solving Philly’s homeless problem.  This is kind’ve a meh position in the AL, so I won’t spend any time writing about it.

3B: Adrian Beltre SEA / Chipper Jones ATL – Ok, can we stop talking about how bad the NL is?  Check the OPS leaders for each of these three positions so far…they’re all dominated by NL players.  Chipper Jones is having, like, his 6th “career season.”  Adrian Beltre is having a deceptively solid year, hopefully his .239 BABIP will be a bit better (he’s sporting a line drive rate just over 20%) by the time the game actually arrives.  Also, I will admit that I am not ready to live in a world in which Joe Crede garners all star votes.

SS: Michael Young TEX / Hanley Ramirez FLA – Another NL heavy position.  Also, we are a Slutley injury away from having the starting middle infields at the all star game being comprised entirely of Rangers and Marlins.  Does this trouble Selig?  Aww, hell, who am I kidding, he doesn’t notice these things.  Not when he’s busy suing fantasy baseball leagues.

C: Joe Mauer MIN / Brian McCann ATL – Maueris the only real AL option here, especially now that he has hit a home run.  What the hell is wrong with Victor Martinez, anyway?  McCannand Soto are both having awesome years, no reason they shouldn’t be on all star rosters for the next ten years.

LF: Carlos Quentin CWS / Pat Burrel PHI – I know the ballots don’t separate outfielders by position, but I’m going to do it.  Both of these guys stand to lose out on the fan voting due to their relative obscurity at the beginning of the season (especially Quentin, who isn’t actually on the ballot); however, they are both having monster years.  Fantasy owners everywhere have had to change underwear all season after looking at the lines of these guys who began the season as free agents in many leagues.

CF: Josh Hamilton TEX / Nate McLouth PIT – We’ve got our third Ranger in the starting lineup.  Two more guys having breakout years.  The game’s being in the middle of the season is nice for guys like McLouth who aren’t going to keep up their current pace (right?  I mean, he can’t, can he?)

RF: Magglio Ordonez DET / Ryan Ludwick STL – When I got to this the right fielders i kind’ve regretted splitting my outfield into positions.  Ludwick’s been solid though, even with fewer ABs.  Magglio is all of a sudden looking like he might be the only Tiger deserving to be at the game.

DH: With Ortiz out, I’m gonna go ahead and say “fuck it” and make Milton Bradley the 4th Texas Ranger on this list.  Hell, it’s probably his position even with Ortiz still playing.

Man, it was really easy to avoid being a Marlins homer at most positions this year.  You know Hendrickson is going to start for the NL squad, though.